two months today

I guess I'll be living life for the next year in terms of months...months since our gift, David, was born and died. Two months ago today that I let go of my beautiful dream. And the bubble burst. And I stopped feeling beautiful and the radiancy of pregnancy faded with the setting sun. I felt like a part of me died (because it did). That my youth and my long-held hopes and dreams were snuffed out in this life. And so begins a new chapter of life, one with one hand firmly embracing the life I have here while the other reaches for heaven. 

For 10 uninterrupted days I have not only felt joy, as I described in my previous post, but I have actually been happy. It seems that the one sure way to quickly shatter the feelings of happiness (but not joy) is to go to Walmart. Every baby and pregnant woman in Missoula must be drawn there. Most of my down days have started as soon as I've entered the doors. Honestly, it is torture. The first time I noticed that Walmart was probably not the best place for me to go was when I saw the preemie outfit I already mentioned in a previous post, that was in a place it shouldn't have been.

This past week at Walmart, everywhere I turned there were crying babies and pregnant ladies. It's not that I'm not happy for these various people (far from it), it's just that it withers me. Because, although I carry David in my heart, I have no way of sharing him apart from the celebration of life video we made. He is invisible to everyone except the four of us in our family and our Moms, who held him in their arms the night he was born.

Life moves on. And that hurts. And from those deep hurts, arise deep and profound questions that can either make people uncomfortable or can shatter the sanctity of other people's worlds. Like when my pregnant friend from Asia felt uncomfortable hearing David's story of death, (as if somehow hearing David's story might magically rub off and happen to her?) How does God decide who is worthy of a happy ending and whose worst nightmares come true...twice. How does He bless some parts of life, provide amazing miracles, interventions, and provisions at certain moments of life but not others?

Angie Smith, who lost her baby the day she was born and was aware during her pregnancy that her baby would not live, grapples with these questions as she studied one of the stories in the Bible. It the story of Jesus, who was asleep on the boat, while his disciples were rocked by the waves and their doubts as a storm grew on the sea. She shares, "How do you trust that He is watching and in control when you have to fold the tiny clothes of a baby that didn't live to wear them? Who is this God Who sleeps while the waves threaten the boat?...In some sense, I felt like He had taken His hands off the wheel and all of life was fair game for disaster. Even then I knew this was the voice of the enemy but it was incredibly difficult to move past."

The paradox is that I still stand in awe of this mysterious God who doesn't always seem to make sense according to my sense of the way things should be. His paths are beyond tracing out... He demonstrated His own love for us in this, while we were still sinners Christ died for us.... He took the bullet, was thrown under the bus, took the fatal blow for us all...and so I choose to follow him, my faith still in tact. I now know that one's wost nightmare can come true and you can come out stronger. That His mysterious grace can sustain me with joy even on days when I'm not feeling momentary happiness.

But I'm not afraid of rocking the boat. You'll forgive me if I ask some questions that might make you uncomfortable because maybe like me, until two years ago, life mostly went according to plan....but that was before my worst fears came true. Before my happy ending was torn from the script on the book that I thought I had some say in writing...And so I probe, along with a few select others who have walked the valley of darkness and death. I have nothing to lose. I know that asking the questions doesn't somehow make those scary things come true. And so I'm seeking and asking...and missing David like crazy.